Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Don't Ever Play These Songs at Your Wedding

I've been to many weddings in my life, starting as a kid.  Remember, I'm from New Orleans.  When I was growing up there were no $187 per person receptions halls.  Everyone was invited to the wedding, including your kids.  As an adult, I've been a bridesmaid many times.  As a result, I've heard lots and lots of wedding songs.  Because of my experiences, I'm begging you to never play these songs at your wedding.  Please, for the love of all that is holy, just don't.

5. "Wind Beneath My Wings" by Bette Midler
I actually like this song a lot.  It's perfect for your grandmother's 90th birthday or your parents' 50th anniversary celebration.  But for a wedding?  No.  Trust me on this one.

4. "Because You Loved Me" by Celine Dion
I'll probably get some flak for this one because it's the song my sister and my dad danced to at her wedding.  I don't have a huge problem with this song either except that it lasts longer than some marriages.  My dad's feet were probably hurting when the song was over.  Do you know what made this part of  my sister's wedding video entertaining?  My mom in the background scratching her butt.  (Sorry for mentioning this here, Mom.  I just had to.)\

3. Any song from Phantom of the Opera
Because nothing says "happy marriage" like a crazy guy in a mask obsessed with a woman he can't have

2. "Color My World" by Chicago
Chicago has recorded many great songs over the years.  This is not one of them.  In fact, it sounds a little like they recorded it in someone's garage.  If you want the DJ to play a Chicago song at your wedding reception, pick "You're the Inspiration" instead.  That's a great one.  This one is not.

And the number one song to not play at your wedding is...

"After the Lovin'" by Engelbert Humperdinck!
Back in the day, women swooned all over Engelbert.  I have no idea why.  Tom Jones, yeah.  Engelbert, no.  But I digress.  This song is the worst Engelbert Humperdinck song I've ever heard.  In fact, it's the only Engelbert Humperdinck song I've heard.  It was enough, though.  Brides, DO NOT EVER PLAY THIS SONG AT YOUR WEDDING!  Just please don't.

I'd love to know what you think.  Please feel free to share any wedding songs you dislike or if you think I'm crazy for not liking these songs.



Sunday, July 07, 2013

An Hour of My Life I'll Never Get Back

Before I begin, I have a confession to make.  I once watched a season of Big Brother.  In my defense, I was living alone in a FEMA trailer and had a TV that got only three stations.  I really didn't have much of a choice.  Once I moved back into my house and got cable TV again, I saw the error of my ways.  My mom, on the other hand, loves BB and watches it faithfully.  As she watched tonight's episode, I lay on the love seat and played with my phone.  I was aware enough, though, to see what was going on and decided to give my take on the whole thing.

Just before this episode of BB began, I saw a commercial for Rally's in which a man in a cheap chicken suit went around and hugged people.  Little did I know that cheap ass looking chicken would be the highligh of my hour.  The show began with a recap of last week's eviction.  Lifeguard guy David was voted out of the house.  His showmance partner A-a-ron was pissed.  (Actually, her name is Aaryn or something like that, but I prefer my version.)  Anyway, A-a-ron was pissed because her boyfriend had been voted out of the house.  Nevermind the fact that she knew him for about a whole week.  She was in LOVE, people!  She wanted REVENGE!  By this point, all of the house guests should have been shaking in their boots.  They weren't.

Then we switched to the Head of Household competition.  For those of you unfamiliar with Big Brother, the HOH gets to nominate two fellow house guests for eviction.  A-a-ron was determined to win!  The house guests were randomly paired up and had to fill up a jug with BBQ sauce while walking on a greased sidewalk or something like that.  I'd have ended up in a body cast, but this isn't about me.  Somehow, A-a-ron and her Handsome But Stupid Partner won!  What a coincidence!  A-a-ron then started yelling at the other folks because they voted out the Lifeguard.  How dare they!  Of course no one would admit to it because apparently these people are stupid but not that stupid.

The HOH gets a special private bedroom, and A-a-ron is no exception.  She got some special food goodies, favorite photos, and her favorite childhood toy--a creepy ass clown.  I'm not kidding.  One of the Beautiful People in the house said the creepy ass clown would probably kill someone while he/she was sleeping.  I agree. 

Oh yeah.  A-a-ron is a racist.  She makes fun of the other house guests.  She's actually been fired from her job because of it.  She doesn't know yet because Big Brother people are sequestered.  Boo A-a-ron.

Then there's a chick named Elissa or something like that, but I'm going to refer to her as AC for Annoying Chick.  She has an annoying voice and tends to wear big and/or sparkly things in her hair.  Apparently AC's sister won this whole shebang a few years ago, so she has a huge target on her back for that reason and the fact that she is, well, annoying.  Some of the Big Brother people want to get rid of AC.  Haven't these people watched enough reality TV to know that you always keep the annoying person around?!  You always want to be up against the annoying person in the finale so you can win!  Sheesh!

So most of the episode was spent bad mouthing AC and watching A-a-ron plot her REVENGE against the people who voted out Lifeguard.  Meanwhile, there was this really nice gal named Helen (I'll use her real name because she was nice).  Helen was treated like crap and, along with a few others, was forced to eat liver and lima beans for the week.  I don't know about Helen, but I'd lose about five pounds because I would not be eating that shizz.  BTW, Helen is friends with AC.  Seriously.  I told you Helen was nice.

There's also another Beautiful Person I'm secretly rooting for.  Her name is Candice, and she's from Metairie.  In a Six Degrees of Separation thing, she was a student at a school where I taught several years ago.  I didn't teach her nor did I really know her, but we have a Connection!  Of course I'm rooting for her!

The last scene of the show was the Nomination Ceremony.  Of course it was last.  They have to save the big drama for last.  I was hoping the cheap ass chicken suit guy would wander through, but it was not to be.  This whole Nomination Ceremony thing consists of the house guests pulling keys with their names from some kind of lazy Susan.  The two people left without keys are nominated for eviction.  Handsome But Stupid guy tried to convince A-a-ron to nominate one of the Beautiful People, but she instead went with nice Helen and AC.  Of course she did.  Helen cried on AC's shoulder because you have to have to have someone cry in every episode of these shows. 

So there you go.  I don't know that I'll be watching again, but I might if it gives me something good to write about. 

Sunday, August 05, 2012

Olympic Commentary

I admit it.  I am an Olympic junkie.  I love it.  The fact that they only happen every four years makes it even more special.  Now you know I have an opinion on everything, and of course I have opinions about the Olympics.  Here are some of my rambling views.

·        Trampoline is an Olympic sport?!  Really?!  Are you kidding me?!  My seven-year-old cousin could do that!  She’s pretty good on a trampoline.  The IOC got rid of baseball and softball, but they put in trampoline?!  I’m still questioning this one.

·        Water polo.  Men in Speedos.  ‘Nuff said.

·        Russian gymnasts need to get over themselves.  Listen up, chickies.  You aren’t always going to win.  Suck it up.

·       Speaking of gymnastics, when did it become appropriate to pay judges for an appeal?  Does the mafia run gymnastics now?  What do they do with this money?  Seems a little shady to me.

·        Swimming.  More men in Speedos.

·        I love watching Debbie Phelps.  She’s awesome.  I love that Michael Phelps still gets all emotional even after winning 157 gold medals.  Shows you that his mama raised him right.

·        I didn’t like watching Ryan Lochte’s dad get all pissy after his son lost.  Shows you where this guy’s priorities are.  I was a big Lochte fan, but after all this I’m not so sure.  Oh yeah.  He also admits to peeing in the pool.  Major ewwwww factor.  Major.

·        Beach volleyball.  Not enough men in Speedos.

·        I wonder how many other swimmers pee in the pool.

·       Where does the 6’9” female Chinese basketball player buy clothes?  I’m pretty sure there aren’t many big and tall stores in China.

·       There is a U.S. volleyball player named Destiny Hooker.  Were her parents trying for a self-fulfilling prophecy?  Thankfully she got into volleyball instead of street walking.

·       Why aren’t the field events shown more on TV?  Last night we got a 15 minute analysis of a 10 second race.  Long jump got about three minutes.  I want to see pole vaulting.  Javelin and shotput are cool.  We need to see more of that. 

·       Do you think Michael Phelps pees in the pool?

·       There should just be a 100 point rule in basketball whenever the Americans are playing, kind of like the 10 run rule in baseball. 

·       Do divers pee in the pool?

There’s only one more week of Olympic fun to be had, so watch and enjoy!   

Sunday, July 29, 2012

What a Difference Four Years Makes

Four years.  1461 days.  Some things haven’t changed a bit.  Drew Brees is still the Saints quarterback.  Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte are still swimming in the Olympics for the United States.  New Orleans summers are still hot.  But while some things remain the same, other things change a lot.  It was while watching the Olympics that I began to reflect on some of these changes.

Probably the biggest change for me in the last four years is where I’m currently teaching.  Four years ago I was part of a brand new school.  Our faculty excitedly moved things into a building that still didn’t have toilet seats.  I was now the veteran in a sea of fresh faces.  We came together to give kids the best education possible.  Unfortunately, things didn’t work out there for me.  I have no hard feelings or ill will towards anyone.  It just wasn’t meant to be.  Thankfully I had the courage to realize this and make a move.  I went to work at another brand new school.  At least this one had toilet seats.  It hasn’t always been easy, but my experiences at this school and my last one have made me stronger and a better person.  In two weeks I will begin my 15th year of teaching, my third at my current school.  I’m not really excited about it yet because I want my summer vacation to last a little longer, but I know I’ll be ready once I see those kids enter my classroom.  They make me want to be a better person and a better teacher.

The summer of 2008 was important in another way.  It was through a message board and a love of all things Twilight that I met some of my dearest friends.  We came from different backgrounds but shared a mutual love.  I spent many late nights on my computer during that summer, chatting and laughing with these amazing ladies.  Some friends have come and gone, but I have remained close to several of them.  It’s because of these ladies that I’ve visited Times Square in New York, auditioned for Wheel of Fortune, worn a tiara while grocery shopping, and posed in a bomb shelter in front of the World War II museum.  I can’t imagine my life without these friends.

Something else amazing that’s happened within the last four years?  The Saints won a Super Bowl.  Yep.  I never thought I’d live long enough to see that.  It was one of the greatest nights of my life.  Seriously. 

A lot has happened over the last four years, some good and some bad, but all of these things have helped me become the person I am today.  In 2016 we will have yet another leap year, another presidential election, and another summer Olympics.  I can’t wait to see what the world has in store for me between now and then.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Bike Rides and a Mother's Love

Ummmm, wow, I haven't blogged in four years!  Where has the time gone?!  Well, I was thinking of this funny story today, and I decided to share it with the world.  I hope you will enjoy it as much as I do.  OK, I don't always enjoy telling it, but it needs to be told.

Now, before I go any further, I need to give two disclaimers here.  One, my mom really is a caring, compassionate person.  She may not come across that way in this story, but trust me, she is.  Two, my mom will likely dispute every single detail in this story, but hey, she’s getting old and doesn’t remember stuff.  I was there.  I know what happened.  This is the true story.

Way back when, around 1984, my mom was a bike-riding fool.  She’d head out in the evenings on her bike, and we wouldn’t see her for a couple of hours.  She’d ride a minimum of six miles a day.  It was pretty impressive.  On one fateful day, Mom asked me to accompany her on her ride.  I think we both had a momentary lapse of sanity.  For Mom it was the fact that she asked me.  For me it was the fact that I agreed to go.

So we took off on that bike ride on a warm June afternoon.  Our local supermarket, Delchamps, was still under construction, and the shoulder of Judge Perez Dr. was slightly blocked.  (BTW, my mom still mourns the passing of Delchamps.  It was over 10 years ago, Mom.  It’ll be OK.)  Anyway, there were yellow barricades with flashing lights on the shoulder of the road, and they were connected with yellow caution tape.  I have no idea why Mom was riding her bike in flip flops, but she was.  As we rode, her flip flop caught on the caution tape and pulled down a barricade.  As I approached the downed barricade, I had to think fast.  Rush hour traffic was speeding down Judge Perez, and as anyone from da parish knows, that part of Judge Perez is like the Indianapolis Motor Speedway.  Well, I didn’t think fast enough, and my bike hit the downed barricade.  I flew off of the bike.

Yes, I was lying on the side of Judge Perez Dr. during rush hour traffic on top of a fallen barricade as its yellow lights blinked underneath me.  No, it was not one of my shining moments.  OK, maybe it was considering there were flashing lights.  But I digress.

Mom realized what happened and came back to check on me.  In true My Mom Fashion, she expressed her concern as only she could.  She told me to get up and get back on the bike because I was embarrassing her. 

Luckily I wasn’t hurt too badly, just scraped up palms and knees.  I finished our bike ride, but after that I never rode with my mom again.  She loves telling this story. She tells it to everyone—new friends, co-workers, potential husbands.  Maybe this is why I’m still single.  Anyway, in her version, I’m the one who caused the whole thing.  She had nothing to do with it.  Sure, Mom.  You keep believing that.  It’s about time the true story is told.  And here it is.