Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Don't Ever Play These Songs at Your Wedding

I've been to many weddings in my life, starting as a kid.  Remember, I'm from New Orleans.  When I was growing up there were no $187 per person receptions halls.  Everyone was invited to the wedding, including your kids.  As an adult, I've been a bridesmaid many times.  As a result, I've heard lots and lots of wedding songs.  Because of my experiences, I'm begging you to never play these songs at your wedding.  Please, for the love of all that is holy, just don't.

5. "Wind Beneath My Wings" by Bette Midler
I actually like this song a lot.  It's perfect for your grandmother's 90th birthday or your parents' 50th anniversary celebration.  But for a wedding?  No.  Trust me on this one.

4. "Because You Loved Me" by Celine Dion
I'll probably get some flak for this one because it's the song my sister and my dad danced to at her wedding.  I don't have a huge problem with this song either except that it lasts longer than some marriages.  My dad's feet were probably hurting when the song was over.  Do you know what made this part of  my sister's wedding video entertaining?  My mom in the background scratching her butt.  (Sorry for mentioning this here, Mom.  I just had to.)\

3. Any song from Phantom of the Opera
Because nothing says "happy marriage" like a crazy guy in a mask obsessed with a woman he can't have

2. "Color My World" by Chicago
Chicago has recorded many great songs over the years.  This is not one of them.  In fact, it sounds a little like they recorded it in someone's garage.  If you want the DJ to play a Chicago song at your wedding reception, pick "You're the Inspiration" instead.  That's a great one.  This one is not.

And the number one song to not play at your wedding is...

"After the Lovin'" by Engelbert Humperdinck!
Back in the day, women swooned all over Engelbert.  I have no idea why.  Tom Jones, yeah.  Engelbert, no.  But I digress.  This song is the worst Engelbert Humperdinck song I've ever heard.  In fact, it's the only Engelbert Humperdinck song I've heard.  It was enough, though.  Brides, DO NOT EVER PLAY THIS SONG AT YOUR WEDDING!  Just please don't.

I'd love to know what you think.  Please feel free to share any wedding songs you dislike or if you think I'm crazy for not liking these songs.



Sunday, July 07, 2013

An Hour of My Life I'll Never Get Back

Before I begin, I have a confession to make.  I once watched a season of Big Brother.  In my defense, I was living alone in a FEMA trailer and had a TV that got only three stations.  I really didn't have much of a choice.  Once I moved back into my house and got cable TV again, I saw the error of my ways.  My mom, on the other hand, loves BB and watches it faithfully.  As she watched tonight's episode, I lay on the love seat and played with my phone.  I was aware enough, though, to see what was going on and decided to give my take on the whole thing.

Just before this episode of BB began, I saw a commercial for Rally's in which a man in a cheap chicken suit went around and hugged people.  Little did I know that cheap ass looking chicken would be the highligh of my hour.  The show began with a recap of last week's eviction.  Lifeguard guy David was voted out of the house.  His showmance partner A-a-ron was pissed.  (Actually, her name is Aaryn or something like that, but I prefer my version.)  Anyway, A-a-ron was pissed because her boyfriend had been voted out of the house.  Nevermind the fact that she knew him for about a whole week.  She was in LOVE, people!  She wanted REVENGE!  By this point, all of the house guests should have been shaking in their boots.  They weren't.

Then we switched to the Head of Household competition.  For those of you unfamiliar with Big Brother, the HOH gets to nominate two fellow house guests for eviction.  A-a-ron was determined to win!  The house guests were randomly paired up and had to fill up a jug with BBQ sauce while walking on a greased sidewalk or something like that.  I'd have ended up in a body cast, but this isn't about me.  Somehow, A-a-ron and her Handsome But Stupid Partner won!  What a coincidence!  A-a-ron then started yelling at the other folks because they voted out the Lifeguard.  How dare they!  Of course no one would admit to it because apparently these people are stupid but not that stupid.

The HOH gets a special private bedroom, and A-a-ron is no exception.  She got some special food goodies, favorite photos, and her favorite childhood toy--a creepy ass clown.  I'm not kidding.  One of the Beautiful People in the house said the creepy ass clown would probably kill someone while he/she was sleeping.  I agree. 

Oh yeah.  A-a-ron is a racist.  She makes fun of the other house guests.  She's actually been fired from her job because of it.  She doesn't know yet because Big Brother people are sequestered.  Boo A-a-ron.

Then there's a chick named Elissa or something like that, but I'm going to refer to her as AC for Annoying Chick.  She has an annoying voice and tends to wear big and/or sparkly things in her hair.  Apparently AC's sister won this whole shebang a few years ago, so she has a huge target on her back for that reason and the fact that she is, well, annoying.  Some of the Big Brother people want to get rid of AC.  Haven't these people watched enough reality TV to know that you always keep the annoying person around?!  You always want to be up against the annoying person in the finale so you can win!  Sheesh!

So most of the episode was spent bad mouthing AC and watching A-a-ron plot her REVENGE against the people who voted out Lifeguard.  Meanwhile, there was this really nice gal named Helen (I'll use her real name because she was nice).  Helen was treated like crap and, along with a few others, was forced to eat liver and lima beans for the week.  I don't know about Helen, but I'd lose about five pounds because I would not be eating that shizz.  BTW, Helen is friends with AC.  Seriously.  I told you Helen was nice.

There's also another Beautiful Person I'm secretly rooting for.  Her name is Candice, and she's from Metairie.  In a Six Degrees of Separation thing, she was a student at a school where I taught several years ago.  I didn't teach her nor did I really know her, but we have a Connection!  Of course I'm rooting for her!

The last scene of the show was the Nomination Ceremony.  Of course it was last.  They have to save the big drama for last.  I was hoping the cheap ass chicken suit guy would wander through, but it was not to be.  This whole Nomination Ceremony thing consists of the house guests pulling keys with their names from some kind of lazy Susan.  The two people left without keys are nominated for eviction.  Handsome But Stupid guy tried to convince A-a-ron to nominate one of the Beautiful People, but she instead went with nice Helen and AC.  Of course she did.  Helen cried on AC's shoulder because you have to have to have someone cry in every episode of these shows. 

So there you go.  I don't know that I'll be watching again, but I might if it gives me something good to write about.